As I was waiting for the bus today, I used my time to pray for David. I do this nearly every day, and this is my current prayer:
Abba, na, let David find his zivug, marry her, live happily ever after, and have plump babies.
There are several things that are really extraordinary about this short prayer.
1. I used to bawl my eyes out for no less than three hours straight every time I tried to make this request. Now I can finally ask it without crying at all. I feel happy when I imagine David being in real love.
2. David taught me that if I pray XYZ for other people, Hashem will give it to me also AND give it to me first. Therefore, if you want to fall in love and get married, you need only pray for it to happen to someone else who wants it, too. You get yours. They get theirs. Everybody wins. Only, you must be sincere. You must truly pray with all you heart for them to be blessed. That is what David taught me.
3. There’s a sneaky secret in my simple prayer, a gamble, really. I still believe that David was intended for me. If I’m right, he will marry me. Get it? And if I’m wrong, I won’t care so much because I will already be married to the loving zivug that Hashem gave me first because of my prayer for David’s happiness.
Any which way, the prayer gets answered and I win. I find my zivug, marry him, live happily ever after, and possibly have plump babies. (I am infertile.)
One of my fears that used to prevent me from praying for David to marry his zivug, was the fear that he would get his before I got mine, and I would have to watch my true love get married to someone else, look happy with her, and start a family right before my eyes. I was terrified that that might happen. I wanted my David to be happily married, but only if I got to go first. I hoped that my future husband would console me when the time came to watch my zivug marry someone else. This fear prevented me from praying correctly. I held myself back. So it’s a very good thing that I can see past this now. Of course I still want my beloved to be with me, but even more than that, I want him to be happy. I want him to feel loved and to enjoy life.
I really am ignoring the fact that he is a Narcissist. They feel empty and bored 95% of the time. It would take a miracle for him to live happily ever after. But since I believe in miracles, I am going to keep praying for him.
David, my love, may Hashem lead you to your zivug, your one true mate, your bashert, the woman who will love you like I do only better. May you marry her in kiddusha, live happily ever after, and have plump babies. I want only the best blessings for you. Thank you for the beautiful times and the joy you brought me before you tried to kill me. What’s a little murder/suicide between friends?
You know, Narcissism complicates everything.
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