Disclaimer: This post contains sexual content and strong language. Do not read if you are under 18 years old or sensitive.
If you read my home page, I wrote that one of my goals for this blog was to grieve the loss of my zivug by recording all of my memories.
One evening, David and I were sitting at the diningroom table, hanging out and having tea, when he rolled his head and commented that his neck was hurting him very much. I hesitated to speak. I knew what I was about to suggest could be taken the wrong way, and I deserved it because I was always trying to get in David’s pants. Always. Let me digress here. I am a double Scorpio. If you are into astrology, you know that the Scorpio is the most intense sign in the zodiac. We are obsessed with death, sex, and the mysteries of the universe. I am, in fact, a mortician by trade. Scorpios are single-minded in all their pursuits. We attach ourselves with fierce loyalty and, if you cross us, we will fuck you up. There’s no genteel way to say that. I am a double Scorpio (Scorpio sun and Scorpio rising), and I was hell-bent on having sex with David. However, because he is a trauma survivor, it would have to happen on his timeframe and not on mine. Also, I have an excuse based in distorted Torah thinking. Since David is my zivug (see post: http://18mitzvot.wordpress.com/2014/04/16/bat-nidah-2/), it was natural that I wanted to lie with him. If he hadn’t been so damaged, he would have married me in kiddusha and then I would have been able to pleasure us every day. It was not to be, but I’m skipping ahead. So David’s neck hurts and I am not allowed to touch him, but I am a crisis worker. When he stated that he had pain, I was able to separate my personal needs from the needs of the patient. I know some massage. I dated a masseur in the late 80’s who taught me how to work a man’s back, manipulating the spinal vertebrae and lengthening the back muscles. (Of course he was a Vietnam Vet who had PTSD.) Birds of a feather flock together. I knew I could help David with his pain and his stress. Haltingly, I said to him, “I don’t… want you to… take this the wrong way… but…. I could massage your neck.” Mentally, I had prepared a litany of comebacks for every refusal, but to my surprise, David said yes! Whoa. That was unexpected. Then came the truly awkward part. Since the masseur and I had been lovers, he only taught me how to work his back by straddling him. He would lay face down on the bed, wearing boxers; I would straddle him and work his spine. I offered David two choices: either he could remain seated and clothed while I did touchless reiki on his shoulder meridians, or he would have to take his shirt off, lay face down in the bed, and allow me to straddle him. I spoke it so quickly to him that I am not sure it was even understandable. I was a grown woman of 45, but I was so embarrassed. Everything about him made me feel like a teenaged virgin; inexperienced, giddy, both excited and afraid. He said he wanted the full massage. Clearly, he was in serious pain to allow such a thing. He went into his bedroom and got prepared. I (double Scorpio) had already bought massage oils. I chose a nice carrier oil and concocted a special aromatic mix for him. I wish I could remember which oils I chose. It’ll come back to me. Since this blog is not in chronological order, I tell you that this is the first time I ever got to touch David’s skin. From time to time, he would be having a freak-out and would let me give him a hug; but that was infrequent and he would be wearing clothes. I brought my oils into David’s bedroom and talked him through what I was going to do. “I’m going to touch you here and here, but not here. You tell me if anything feels uncomfortable or you want me to stop.” I was all business. In my mind, I was treating a patient who needed medical care and I was not going to cross any lines. I committed myself wholeheartedly to helping the sick person who was in pain.
I knelt next to David on the double bed and started working his back, softly at first, so he could get accustomed to my touch. I found all his sore spots immediately. I spread the oil on his back and felt his body agree to be massaged. His back muscles were solid brick. I had no idea. He looked soft and not particularly muscular, but once I had my hands on his back, I could feel that it was not true. David was solid, muscular, and extremely tense with stress. I tried to straddle him without placing my weight on his buttocks, kind of like I ride a horse, holding myself just above the saddle for a trot. David told me to just sit on him. He could take my 88 kilos. This whole thing was so awkward. He kept Yechidut in Israel (no physical contact with any woman but your wife); but he was in pain. And I was usually trying to seduce him but today, was in crisis worker mode. As I worked his back, I found so many sore spots and released them. He had a huge blockage in the center of his upper back. He explained that when he was a teenager, his step-father had punched him into a wall and David hit his back on a shelf. I could feel a huge mass of scar tissue just under the skin and surrounding his spine. It was directly behind his heart chakra. The reiki in my body turned itself on and I continued to massage him with both oil and body heat. So many scars. So many traumas. My hands were aching but I was not going to stop until he asked me to. David had been revealing a lifetime of trauma survival stories to me as I worked out each soft spot that I found. My psychic abilities were working to find his trouble spots and all I had to do was follow my fingers. I wondered if I could get him to puddle. In massage, puddle is the point at which you release every tension and just sink into the massage bed. If I could get David to puddle, that would be tremendously helpful for him. As I was thinking this, he broke. He started telling me that no-one had touched him in the three years since he got divorced and it felt so good. “All I really wanted”, he said, “was to be touched.” It was the best healing therapy for him to admit it out loud. The warrior was vulnerable after all. I was still 100% professional and very pleased with myself that I had softened his back muscles, but my hands were in agony. I have a hand injury and they are weak. I had to stop. I resisted any urges to hug him or to kiss his back. I said that I was happy to be of service and took my leave.
A strange thing happened to me that night. Since David had come to live with me, I had been tortured by sexual desire that was a nearly unbearable hunger. Every minute that I was awake, I plotted how to bed him. I fantasized about running my hands all over him, digging into his flesh with my fingernails. I wasn’t just obsessed, I was consumed. Nothing else mattered to me except being with David in physical intimacy. But after I touched him, I was cured. For the first time in three weeks, I slept deeply. My obsessions were completely gone. I felt healthy.
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