My friend wrote this essay on his spirituality website, Golden Age of Gaia. It deals with clearing out my emotions that are holding me back from living with open joy. Of course, I relate all of this to my zivug. Consider this post as me talking out loud to myself. -Rivka
Responses to this essay. Disclaimer: these are my brutally honest personal feelings and nothing more or less. -R
1. I am not comfortable doing a standing meditation. I fear I will fall over and crack my head open on the glass table. Until I figure out another way to do this meditation, I am giving myself reiki. Please advise.
2. “I don’t feel loving, myself. If anything I’m having unpleasant feelings and a really rough go of it… I know that what’s arising in me has to do with incomplete events going back 10, 20 and 30 years ago.”
Well, it’s nice to know that I am in sync with somebody! Every night, I start to journal about David. My goal is to write down every single memory that I have about him so that I can empty my brain and then reboot it to be without him. However, I also have a secret craving, which is that he will stumble across my blogs, read them, and love me again – like my Twin Flame is supposed to do. In my way of thinking, how could he NOT respond to the truth and purity of our story? So you see, I am suffering emotionally because of incomplete events that I stubbornly refuse to let go of. He doesn’t love me. He knows he is my zivug, and he kicked me to the curb anyhow. I think I am supposed to be somehow cosmically satisfied to forget him until our next reincarnation together. F*** that! I am young. I want my Twin Flame now! I want a love relationship that exists to elevate the sparks of Holiness in the world, a relationship that serves the Creator, a relationship that pleases the Creator because it obeys His Will for me and my beloved. Hashem offered me a precious jewel and I want to grab it!
3. “This dark night of the soul, they tell us, “is quite uncomfortable but very informational”. ”
You can say that again. I see that you, Mr. Golden-Age-of-Gaia, are writing so much so fast, that you can’t even get it all out. I am doing exactly the same thing. Again, it’s a relief to be in sync with someone.
4. “You created your reality.”
Believe it or not, this is David’s mantra. (Not for him, of course, the Eternal Victim; but for the rest of us.) In Torah terms, this is stated, “Bishvili nivra ha olam.” The whole world was created for me.
David taught me that I am continuously ‘writing my own story’ with God. I am not merely experiencing my life, I am creating it.
5. Distraction is an excellent coping mechanism, but it does not encourage growth or healing. Yet, distraction is still my go-to solution for dealing with my emotional pain.
6. “This loneliness and despair are coming up to be released.”
I can see that and I am feeling it, but I am afraid that releasing the pain will mean admitting defeat and letting my Twin Flame fall away until our next reincarnation.
7. “We’re breaking out of the prison of illusion we’ve built for ourselves, the illusory sense of separation from God…”
Having recently survived my own suicide, I understand that Hashem and I are inseparable. I also understand that I have a conflict between my commitment to Hashem and my commitment to David. Sometimes I love David more than I love God. I know this and Hashem and I are working on it together. Ironically, David is the one who explained the following daily blessing to me. Blessed are You, Hashem, our God, King of the universe, who removes sleep from my eyes and slumber from my eyelids. David taught me that this bracha asks God to help me see things as they really are and with no illusions.
‘Breaking out of the prison of illusion’: in the Kubler-Ross Stages of Grief, this is Acceptance. I repeat the mantra in a hollow voice: I am eternal. Life is eternal. It really doesn’t matter if we don’t get together in this lifetime.
Okay, Tsunami, bring on the next wave.
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